I Miss Best DC Blog!

Ever since BestDCBlog went dark, there has been a serious dearth of blog fodder. Is the DC Blog scene over? Where's Bigger Bitch when you need her? Hasn't VK offended anyone this week (with something other than his body odor)?

I miss our late night chats. Might I suggest this comment section as an alternative? Hostess, Racy and Evil Andrew will all be checking in.

Bring on the gossips!

The Key Role of Kathryn Was Played by Roosh at Friday's Happy Hour

Apparently the job of taking attendance fell to Roosh on Friday, since Kathryn made sure everyone knew she'd be in New York. I can just imagine him, perched on a stool with a notebook and a fluffy pink pen, writing down names and concocting lame descriptions of all the participants.

It must have been hard for to come up with positive things to say. I guess all the nastiness takes place behind everyone's back, as evidenced by his comments on Ninja's site.

Asshole of the Week

A Florida blogger quite popular with the one brainers had this to say about the tragedy in Blacksburg:

And about this Cho character…You did this because you hated debaucherous rich kids? Buddy, you went to VIRGINIA FREAKING TECH! It is the school the kids at UVA look down on as being the cheap-beer drinking Ag school full of white trash and kids too stupid to get into Charlottesville. I think Cho would have lasted roughly three hours at UM before he killed half of Coral Gables. Okay, I know he was crazy but his rage just seems a little misplaced. I don’t recall seeing too many BMW’s parked around Blacksburg. And aside from the football players, I have yet to meet a group of Hokies with a penchant for fine cognac. Or vodka. “Your Natty Light and your Milwaukee’s Best weren’t enough? Your F150’s and Camaros weren’t enough?” That might have made some sense.

Virginia Tech is venerable institution renowned for its science and engineering programs. It is quite competitive and attracts Bill Gates wannabes from across the country. The campus beautiful, tranquil in a peaceful mountain setting. The culture is anything but unrefined.

But even in the face of tragedy, this guy can't resist taking a dig at his old highschool rivals. Scumbag.

I'm One of Charlene's Kooky Friends

It recently came to light that my friend Charlene and I share a passion for punishment. I look forward to holding lively debates on the merits of Bound vs. The Crucible, hot wax techniques, and knot tying strategies. Don't knock it 'till you've tried it!

Charlene, do you have anything to add?

"Revenge of the Nerds"

Blog Wars are fun, but Blogger Wars are even better! Since these Happy Hours seem to be rife with danger, lucrative fishing expeditions for blackmail material, who dares attend any more?

We hear that Roosh is calling the boycott, "Revenge of the Nerds." If that's the case, don't the Alpha Betas and the "Pi's" of this bunch have any other friends? I guess some people can't shake the Greek mentality.

To quote the classic movie: All jocks think about are sports; all nerds think about is sex.

We know what Pagan would say to that! Sign us up for the Tri-Lamb mixer!

Blog War: Sluts vs. Virgins

Thong Speed: What Virgins Don't Know
Golden Silence: What This Virgin Knows

Alright, so it isn't really a blog war. Golden Silence makes some solid points, and we certainly don't expect her to give it up to some loser.

It's okay to wait for your pitch, but Pagan's just saying, be ready to play ball.

Update: The comment section is heating up!

No Fool Like an April Fool

Roosh, with acknowledgments to VK and ArJewTino, has launched some sort of April Fool's Day web site, but no one quite gets the joke. He's blogging in gag-me pink and posting a schizophrenic array of "Swingers" references, cup cakes, cheese cakes and puppy porn. What the fuck? Is it a lame attempt to further the warm and fuzzy image he cultivated at Thursday's Happy Hour? Let's see how many sweet young things step in the sticky melted-ice cream mess. Or the dog shit.

Can we name one of the puppy dogs "Princess"?

Timeline of a Meltdown

"...these kinky bedroom thoughts progressed into a heterosexual gray area..." -- March 16, 2007

"The blog may suffer...This project has ruined my life..." -- March 18, 2007

"I did not get aroused... like I normally do when watching rape, so that means I can joke about rape." -- March 19, 2007

"I...lubed up my ass for the pounding it was about to receive." -- March 20, 2007

"I will hit multiple Dunkin’ Donuts..." -- March 21, 2007

"It only took five seconds for me to regress into a beta male." -- March 22, 2007

“I Swallow Cum” -- March 25, 2007

"Many times a girl has dated me... and then dived back into the arms of the ex-boyfriend..." -- March 26, 2007

"...girls treat me like a coworker..." -- March 27, 2007

"...I know I’m flirting with the edge of your attention span..." -- March 27. 2007

"I went into this... a little naive because I thought the five particpants (sic) would be as anti-American as me." -- March 28, 2007

"...my body got itchy in multiple places at the same time. I wrote it off as crabs...From a skin perspective, these have been the worst of my life—and I’ve had some bad pizza-face breakouts in my day." -- March 29, 2007

"...the DC blog scene will once again see its heyday of early 2006." -- March 30, 2007

"I’m moving in with my Dad tomorrow... I do not have another job lined up..." -- March 30, 2007

How long until Roosh hangs it up completely? Anyone want to start a pool?

Let's Gossip More About Pagan

Here are the theories so far:

1) I am a "fug" (per the oh-so-charming Arjewtino).
2) I am a guy.
3) I am a 43 year old overweight woman with 3 kids.
4) I am Big Head Rob.
5) I am married to Big Head Rob.
6) I am married to Sexiest Hetero Blogger Uneven Steven.
7) I write BEST DC Blog.
8) I write Bigger Bitch Than You and all of her terrific commentary.

Anyone else want to throw an absurdity into the mix? I'm truly flattered to be mistaken for such an entertaining string of personalities, but as good as I may be, I can't be everywhere at once.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to keep writing.

I Must Be Superwoman

Roosh Says:
March 27th, 2007 at 3:48 pm

Not responding is power.


Roosh Says:
March 27th, 2007 at 8:15 pm

By the way if you haven’t figured it out, Pagan Marbury is doing best dc blog.

Well, if Roosh says it, it must be true.

So, who has the "power" now?

The Poor Sap on "Grease" Tonight

OK, SPOILER ALERT and all that jazz. After the Edwards interview (they NAILED it!), I switched over to the "Grease" reality show. This is the one where the America votes to cast Sandy and Danny in the Grease revival on Broadway this summer.

The girl who won, Laura, had postponed her wedding to participate in the competition. During her retrospective, they interviewed her fiance, who was all, "I totally support her following her dreams, and I'm willing to wait, blah blah blah", the supportive man behind the woman. Tonight he had that Chad Lowe deer-in-the-headlights look as it must have dawned on him that she's MOVING TO NEW YORK TO STAR ON BROADWAY and she's NEVER COMING BACK.

Sayonara, sucka. You should have nailed that shit down when you had the chance.

Bigger Bitch Than Me

Bigger Bitch, of BEST DC Blog comment section fame, has launched a blog of her own, and boy does she bring the hate. Not even a day old, she's already attracted quite a fan base, judging by her own comment section.

Does she have another blog? Was she a bystander in the recent unpleasantness? Is she just new to our little corner of the world?

Whatever her story, I'm hooked.

I hope blogging doesn't cut into the time she spends hating at BEST DC Blog.

Flaming Sharkbait

In the face of a brief flame-war frenzy, the author of Finding Sharkbait has deleted her entire blog. Sharkbait stood accused of nominating herself in order to get attention, and then trashing the BEST DC Blog site in her comment section.

A bit of an overreaction, yes, but nervous brides can be touchy like that.

What She Said

Two of Pagan's blogs were nominated as BEST DC Blog by the Best DC Writer.

I am humbled. People think she's good. And even though this contest is widely rumored to be nothing more than Tart's Psych 490 experiment, it's still an honour. And great fun.

Roosh Chases Amy, Navigates "Heterosexual Gray Area"

Roosh and his minions are up in arms over the MMF threeway.

Whatevs. A real man can handle a woman with experience.

And what's up with sharing your homoerotic fantasies? We know it's perfectly natural to explore alternative sexual expression. We just aren't used to you sounding so much like an actual human being.

As per usual with Roosh's posts, someone else said it first, and better:

So, there's me and Amy. And we're all inseparable, right? Big time in love. Then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how you don't wanna know, but just have to know--stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him. How they fell in love, how they went out for a couple of yeas, how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah blah blah blah blah. And I'm okay. Then she drops the bomb. And the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with him, "menage a troi," I believe it's called. And this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sorta thing; I was raised Catholic, for Gods sake.
...
So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? So I start blasting her. I mean, I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is to call her 'slut,' tell her she was used. I'm out for blood, I really want to hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem," right? And she's just trying to calmly tell me it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't feel like she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. And I say, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, tell her it's over. I walk.
...
No, idiot, it was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. In that moment, I felt small, like I lacked experience, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But what I did not get: she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy any more. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I figured this all out, it was too late. She had moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But (lights a cigarette) I pushed her away.

So I spend every day since then chasing Amy.

So to speak.

Sexy Man

Boy, were my predictions way off! But this Uneven Steven character seems molestable, even though he uses words I don't understand.

I wonder if the group thinks he's cool. Surely they do- white boys quoting rap lyrics are always cool.

Beware the Ides of March

Is there hot gossip brewing? I'll bet you a Shamrock Shake there is!

Sexy-Man Bloggers

Oooh-la-la, the BEST DC Blog site has THE BEST contest this week. We get to discuss and vote on who the sexiest male bloggers are.

I am delighted to have a whole new crop of boys to chase after.

Roosh and "Virgle Can't" weren't even nominated. That surprises me because they are totally hot bloggers who totally talk about hooking up all the time. I guess they leave very few satisfied customers. I already told you about Roosh's underwear fetish; plus, everybody knows he doesn't drop. Pansy ass.

Let's talk about the sexy, sexy bloggers. My alter ego, Evil Andrew, has already listed my current faves, but let's go through the whole list. You never know who's going to become part of the IN crowd so I'm going to try to hook up with all of them.

Barzelay. He's a law student so he's going to be totally rich someday. Rich is sexy. Good writers are sexy too.

Big Head Rob. "The very hetero male glamazon of gossip". What can I say that hasn't already been said? He rocks. Maybe he and Pagan are the same person. She rocks, so it makes sense, right?

Big Stupid Guy. I tried to cut him for being big and stupid but then someone explained that it was I-RON-IC. Kind of like my hero Pagan calling herself a slut. Irony is sexy.

Good at Drinking. This is a good sign, because guys usually have to be drunk to hook up with me.

Ninja. As someone mentioned, he's a homeowner, but I don't want plaster falling down around me while we bone. Best that I drag him back to my group house. Maybe the new roomie will look up from Civ IV long enough to notice me and be jealous.

LMNtal. He's such a puppy. I just want to hug him and love him and squeeze him and call him George. He would make a great boyfriend. I wish I had a boyfriend.

Needtsza. His site is a little garish, but I love bloggers who just wing it. He's in the cool crowd. I wonder how I can get his attention.

Rock Creek Rambler. I heard he was a musician. I love to service musicians, but I don't think he's a musician any more. When he was hot he was in the Washington Post. That was many years ago.

Rusty. Rage is sexy. This kid has so much pent up aggression I bet he's a tiger in the sack. I wonder if I could handle him.

TC. I like his blog but posts about the housing bubble aren't sexy. I bet he's the next to go.

Uneven Steven. A newcomer to the scene, and a dark horse in this contest. What did I call him? A drinker and a thinker. The perfect man. I think he's too smart to bother with the likes of me. His posts are often over my head.

Your Pal Pete. Again, musicians are my fave, and he's a writer, too. There has been mention of a magnum-sized penis. I'd like to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body.

So there you go. Who are you voting for?

Oooh-la-la, Time to Get Messy

Today I was honored and humbled at the news that I was nominated at Best DC Blog as an Oooh-la-la Messy Relationship blog. I'm so pathetic I don't have any relationships outside of the blogoshere, but those folks certainly are messy- some of them don't even shower or shave! So, I guess I qualify. I wish I knew who was behind my nomination. Oooh-la-la, indeed!

But alas, before I was even aware of my nomination, all was lost. Amid conversation of possibly-lesbian naughty school girls, tacky sparkling couple blogs, sock puppets, circle jerks, cunnilingus-themed aliases, and sexually explicit photography exhibits involving tennis rackets, I was eliminated from the competition. No one even gave me a reason why.

Even though my blog now bears the designation LOSER for all the world to see, I'm not bitter. There's no such thing as bad publicity!

Be sure to go vote for your favorite Oooh-la-la blog Messy Relationship blog at Best DC Blog.

Stop the Presses!

The world is spinning off its axis. I can't catch my breath. DCB/Roosh is TURNING OFF HIS COMMENTS!

Whatever will we do? After Kathryn signed off in a snit, we were cast adrift to comment aimlessly here and there when something struck our fancy. You know, like normal people do.

This was such a novel concept that we, like sheep, quickly beat a path back to the familiar. Now DCB's comment section is a virtual gloryhole for wannabe bloggers.

I assure you, no one goes there to read his posts. His writing is contrived and his topics are ridiculous. But everyone stops by every day, hoping their comments will get them noticed.

Now that Roosh can't afford the bandwidth, will anyone still visit his site?

Roosh writes,

If this proves to be a mistake and the blog gives me less enjoyment, I will admit I was an idiot and bring them back.

Roosh, I think we all know how this will end.

Happy About the Happy Hour

There is a Blogger Happy Hour next week. When I heard, I got so excited I ate a whole cake and popped the buttons on my favorite cardigan. I would organize a shopping excursion but no one ever wants to drive out to the good Dress Barn in Virginia. Oh well, I can always pop into Ann Taylor Loft on the Circle- I don't think my store charge is maxed out this month. I love Ann Taylor. Their clothes are so expensive and classy. My whole working wardrobe came from the Loft.

The Happy Hour is at the Front Page. I feel so grown up in there with all those "power players". There might even be Congressmen there. Pagan knows a lot of Congressmen. She sleeps with them, I heard.

Virgle Kent (or is it Virgil?) is hosting the Happy Hour. He has worked his way through the female bloggers, and lately he's been checking me out. I've been reading his blog to bone up on his favorite topics, just in case he talks to me, but his blog doesn't make much sense. Frankly, he's not all that, but I'll fuck him anyway because he's totally popular in the blog scene. I need to do something so people will like me and read my blog.

DCB/ RooshV is also hosting. I'm a little afraid of his crazy eyes. We hooked up at my first blogger happy hour. Afterwards I caught him trying on my lingerie so I had to kick him out. He totally stretched out my favorite girdle.

Now he growls if I come close to him. I've totally deleted him from my blogroll.

There's also this new guy hosting, Arjewtino. I don't know how he made the A List so fast. I've been blowing all the male bloggers for almost a year- I guess he's been doing the same. Anyway, it'll be fun to get to know him!

Busted

I almost got caught "blogging" at work again. Well, not so much blogging as reading other people's blogs and obsessively checking for comments. I don't actually do anything at work so I usually "blog" all day long. I'm sure you know how it is.

Finding something to write about is hard. This is supposed to be a dating blog, but I never have any dates. So basically it's a gossip blog, about my life and especially the other bloggers I socialize with. Holla!

Mostly I write about stuff I saw on Sex and the City. Even though I'm not having sex and the show is off the air, it's still so totally relevant to my life.

Aim High

I used to think blogging was hard, but now I can't stop writing about Pagan. Pagan blurs the line between reality and make believe. Even though she isn't real, I want to analyze her every thought, her every post, her every comment.

I need a job. Well, I have a job, but it's totally beneath me. My current job does give me plenty to blog about- without it, I couldn't repeat delightful stories about my coworker's grandchildren and tales of woe and my "overbearing" boss. It's ironic, isn't it? I would have more time to blog but fewer fascinating anecdotes to share.

I do need a new job. Maybe I could get a job as a "professional blogger". I'm practically a full time blogger now. I write three blogs, and it's pretty much all I do. I'm just as smart as those girls who blogged for John Edwards. I could totally do that job.

Owned!

It took one day to get them to stop posting, and three days to have them take it down. Too bad I cached it!

Thongspeeds, the lame parody blog of the excellent blog, Thong Speed, will be back up for your mockery as soon as I can get to it.

In the meantime, please go to the Best DC Blog Poll Site and vote for Thong Speed.

UPDATE: It's back up here. I had to- otherwise this blog doesn't make sense!

Pagan Will You Please Be Mine?

Pagan still hasn't noticed me, not even on Valentine's Day.

I'll definitely keep updating this blog, so check back for new content.

I'll be putting a new post up tonight. In the meantime, enjoy the archives, blogroll me, or leave a comment. They aren't moderated.

Writer's Block

I love being a blogger. As soon as I think of something to say, I'm really going to dish the snark. Though it could take a while for me to think of something.

I'm staying in tonight. It's time to give myself a breast exam.

I wonder what Pagan's boobs look like...

Revelations

Make a note that I'm now using my "really real nick name" on this blog. The way I understand it, this is one step away from your actual real name, which everyone knows is sacred in the blogosphere.

"Really real nick names" are in, and "really fake nick names", like Pagan M., are out. Transparency, in; Anonymity, out.

It's all about the risk. Pen names are for pussies.

I've been neglecting my parody blog lately, but I check Thong Speed every few hours.

I wonder if Pagan knows which IP is mine...

Meanwhile, back at BigHeadQuarters...

There's an interesting comment chain percolating over at BHDC. Someone professing to be KassyK asserts that she had nothing to with my other parody blog Thongspeeds. It's funny that everyone thinks I'm her. This way, everyone dumps on her and leaves me alone.

Another victory? Mission Accomplished!

Boy, are my panties in a bunch. People are coming by this site who actually like the writing, so I had to post another incoherent rant on my other site. I'm not used to this much positive attention. I'm more comfortably being mediocre. My other parody blog is practically unreadable.

Thong Speed, on the other hand, is outstanding. It's also dirty. I secretly read it then deny it to my friends.

Pagan makes me so mad I've decided to stop blogging about her.

“Another victory!” I proclaim. I’m shutting down my blog because of a parody blog, but I’m still winning! Mission accomplished- just like the President said!

My brain is a little fuzzy from all the e pills I ate last night, so I’m really confused. Is Pagan Rob? Or is she just a girl like me?

And what's the deal with Adam? It took me hours on Google to find that conversation. Does Adam like Pagan? Does he like her like her? Why doesn’t the Senator ever pay attention to meeeee? Probably because Pagan puts out. Girls like that are dirty. I want to be dirty sometimes...

I'm also mad at how much time this is taking up. I spent my entire workdays Thursday and Friday putting up my other blog. A real writer would have relished the mental exercise and knocked it out in a couple of spare hours.

I’ve urged everyone to de-link Pagan, but I know we’ll still read her, just like we still read BHDC. It’s just too good! I especially like the blogger snafus, because I might know someone who gets mentioned. I like to know important people. I also like to act smart- that's why I pretend I read the Washington Post.

I looked up Wally Lamb on Google and nothing came up about Gwen Stefani or Australia. I think my coworker is trying to fuck with my head.

It’s okay if you don’t understand the part about IP addresses and anonymous bloggers. I don’t understand it either- I’m just repeating what other people tell me. I really don’t know what to think, so I pour my angst into overly lengthy streams of consciousness.

But this is the last time. Seriously.

Welcome, BHDC Readers

Thanks for stopping by. I assure you I am not Rob, but I don't know how to prove a negative. If you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments.

A few things. First, you might want to read Thongspeeds, the parody blog of Thong Speed. You might want to start at the bottom and read chronologically. The posts here correlate to the posts on Thongspeeds.

Don't forget to check out the original Thong Speed.

Juicy Bits

Goodness, I've barely had any time to blog today. My manager has been lurking around our cube farm so I had to act like I was working. I just threw up something from Thong Speed word for word, the list of "juicy tidbits" supposedly about Pagan. This list totally proves that Rob writes Thong Speed. It's obviously made up, and only someone super smart could have come up with all those things.

I even took the time to annotate it with smilies. Smilies are very useful for making your point. Words are hard, and I only like to type with one hand. My other hand gets a little restless when I think about Pagan...

I send smilies to all my blogger friends in their comments every morning. Otherwise they might forget about me, and I'd be left out of the reindeer games.

I threw in another fake nasty comment for good measure. No one really gave Pagan any personal information. But you believe it now, don't you?

So to speak...

I am so jealous of KassyK. I (apparently) have emailed back and forth with Pagan, too, but she never shows me the love like she does Kassy. On my parody blog I strongly imply that Pagan sold out KassyK to BHR, but it really isn't true. Kassy never told Pagan her last name, and Pagan thinks the world of Kassy, in a virtual way of course. She would never do that. I'm just stirring up trouble. That way they will never get together and go off to have fun without me.

I love being a part of the whole blogger scene. It's such a loyal and laid-back bunch. There's never any drama and everyone gets along really well. And who else but this wacky crew would dare do shots of liquor on a week night? Hanging with them makes me feel so grown up, so classy and dignified. I don't know what I'd do for a social life without them.

Soon it will be my turn to fuck Virgil Kent. Or is it Virgle Kent? He has such a funny way of spelling things. Anyway, I can't wait until he gets around to me.

In the meantime, I've got to stop following DCB around- he's been ignoring me since our hookup. Hey Roosh! Call me!

In between Bloggy Happy Happies, I have very little to do. I've been sitting home in my group house hoping the new roommate will throw me one between bong hits, but so far no luck. That leaves me plenty of time to write parody blogs about people I don't even know. Blogs are my anti-drug.

I have no plans this weekend, so maybe I will check out Entre Nous. Whatever will I wear to the Valentine's Ball? I bet Pagan looks great in Valentine Red.

I wonder what she's wearing right now...

Anyone notice?

I'm back on my happy pills and ready to start the day with some hot scoop! Rob and Pagan were both offline after the election last year, during peak holiday and winter vacation season. So were thousands of other Washingtonians, but I still choose to believe it means they are the same person.

Although I would never admit it to my blogger friends, I'm pretty sure BHR is smarter than we are. Thong Speed is so well-written, it just makes sense that Rob is the author. I mentioned this to my coworker and he said it was very Wally Lamb. I think that's Gwen Stefani's new Australian line. Hmm, I didn't realize my coworker was gay.

I'm a lot like, under medicated

Seems I forgot my insulin today, too. Boy, I really need to get to the pharmacy. My blood sugar spiked from eating too many pink coconut ho-hos from the vending machine, and now I'm hallucinating little blue men. Little blue men and little blue women. Together. I wonder if Smurfs have genitals.

Teeny tiny genitals. I know a lot of bloggers like that.

In 52 minutes I can leave work and meet all the other bloggers at Sign of the Whale. Everyone on my blogroll will be there. We're all going to talk about Pagan and how she sold us out, even though there was nothing to sell. Everyone will jump on board and turn against her. It'll be really very.

We might go to the Madhatters or Rumours after that, but I'll probably go home early. As much as I love the "herpes triangle," I get very uncomfortable with the strip clubs down the street. Stripping is wrong and demeaning to women. It's also dirty. I wonder if Pagan is a stripper. She's dirty like that...

I Like to Wear Diapers

This astronaut woman is my soulmate. She's a stalker who wears diapers. If I knew where Pagan was, you bet I'd be there. I'm already wearing diapers. You know, just in case.

Shout out to H.H.S.

I really wanted to get another post up before lunch and this was all I could come up with. It's actually a pretty lousy riddle, since the answer has already been revealed on other blogs, but I wanted to post it too. I like to fit in. No one told me it's abbreviated H.H.S., not D.H.H.S, but you know I'm not much for details. Who cares about accuracy?

I wonder if Rob's wife knows President Bush.

A little bit about me, I mean Pagan

I must have forgotten to take my Lithium this morning because my next post doesn't makes sense, even to me. I described this to my co-worker, who said it was like "Flowers for Algernon". What? Someone sent flowers? Are they for me?

I babble in my post about secrets and riddles. Something about Pagan keeping or spilling secrets. Secrets and Riddles. Who am I? Why am I here? Am I talking about Pagan or myself? Sometimes I think we're the same person. I wish I could be Pagan for just one day...

I'll just throw some random shit out there. Even though I already described a happy beach-bound foursome, now I'll say Pagan and Rob are married to each other. Or that they're the same person. Let's see what sticks. The masses are clamoring for red meat- I have to give them something or they'll stop coming to my site and then my stats will suffer.

Anyway, I'm really mad at Pagan for not coming to any of our cool Happy Hours. What, does she think she's better than me?

I wonder what she's doing right now...

Hey, Rob! Big Head Rob! Over here! Rob! Over here! Rob?

My stars, I was linked by Big Head Rob. I secretly think Rob's great. I must think his site is cool, because I gave him a big shout out on Thongspeeds. I bet Rob's site brings me a lot of hits. Then I can post my stats and show everyone how good I am at "parody".

What can I say about Pagan today? I only shoot at the easiest targets- I never was very ambitious- so maybe I'll make fun of her love for Dewey Beach. Notice that I talk about Rob's wife and Pagan's husband here. This is important later.

And, what else? Masturbation. The topic has never actually come up on Pagan's site, but I'm sure she's the type of girl who does it. She's a dirty girl. My kind of dirty girl. I'll be thinking about her when I masturbate tonight. In my fantasies, she always wears red, and she comes first.

Thongspeedz

Hi. I call myself realthongspeed, RTS for short. I'm super bitter and lonely, and I vent my frustrations by writing a parody blog poking fun at someone who doesn't even exist, "Pagan M. of Thong Speed", and, presumably, the author behind her.

It's not that I'm insulting her. I secretly think she's glamorous and exciting. That's why I'm paying her so much attention. We all read Thong Speed.

Sex. Politics. Sexual Politics. That's pretty catchy. I like to repeat it over and over.

I have to call her out, though. See, there's this "blog war" going on, and I want to make sure I'm on the right side. I'd hate to be shunned by the DC Blogosphere's Inner Circle. Comments from those guys are even more important than my Technorati rank.

Some anonymous poster has accused "Pagan" of leaking classified information to our collective sworn enemy. It is a bit weird because "Pagan" isn't even close to the "Inner Circle", and wouldn't be on their email list. And I'm choosing to ignore the commenter who suggested that Pagan was behind my fraternal parody blog, Big Fat Slob, because I know who writes that one.

Despite all evidence that she's been railroaded, I've decided to harsh on Pagan anyway, just to make sure no one thinks I'm squishy.

I have plenty of free time- my job isn't very important- so I can post several times a day. I don't worry about grammar or spelling or punctuation. It's more important to post the stuff I make up in a timely fashion.

When I post to my blog I usually crib stuff from Thong Speed. I spend a lot of time reading Thong Speed, laughing and looking for passages to repost. Some of her posts are over my head, but I like the ones where she talks about sex. Pagan has a lot of sex. I wonder if she's had sex with anyone famous...

I wish my other blog were more interesting, but there isn't really a story to tell. "Pagan" didn't really do anything wrong.

Plus, the blog war is so last week. No one is commenting on the parody blogs any more. I'm getting tired of making up new accusations. I'm having a hard time attracting readers, and my sitemeter is plummeting.

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