Stop the Presses!

The world is spinning off its axis. I can't catch my breath. DCB/Roosh is TURNING OFF HIS COMMENTS!

Whatever will we do? After Kathryn signed off in a snit, we were cast adrift to comment aimlessly here and there when something struck our fancy. You know, like normal people do.

This was such a novel concept that we, like sheep, quickly beat a path back to the familiar. Now DCB's comment section is a virtual gloryhole for wannabe bloggers.

I assure you, no one goes there to read his posts. His writing is contrived and his topics are ridiculous. But everyone stops by every day, hoping their comments will get them noticed.

Now that Roosh can't afford the bandwidth, will anyone still visit his site?

Roosh writes,

If this proves to be a mistake and the blog gives me less enjoyment, I will admit I was an idiot and bring them back.

Roosh, I think we all know how this will end.

Happy About the Happy Hour

There is a Blogger Happy Hour next week. When I heard, I got so excited I ate a whole cake and popped the buttons on my favorite cardigan. I would organize a shopping excursion but no one ever wants to drive out to the good Dress Barn in Virginia. Oh well, I can always pop into Ann Taylor Loft on the Circle- I don't think my store charge is maxed out this month. I love Ann Taylor. Their clothes are so expensive and classy. My whole working wardrobe came from the Loft.

The Happy Hour is at the Front Page. I feel so grown up in there with all those "power players". There might even be Congressmen there. Pagan knows a lot of Congressmen. She sleeps with them, I heard.

Virgle Kent (or is it Virgil?) is hosting the Happy Hour. He has worked his way through the female bloggers, and lately he's been checking me out. I've been reading his blog to bone up on his favorite topics, just in case he talks to me, but his blog doesn't make much sense. Frankly, he's not all that, but I'll fuck him anyway because he's totally popular in the blog scene. I need to do something so people will like me and read my blog.

DCB/ RooshV is also hosting. I'm a little afraid of his crazy eyes. We hooked up at my first blogger happy hour. Afterwards I caught him trying on my lingerie so I had to kick him out. He totally stretched out my favorite girdle.

Now he growls if I come close to him. I've totally deleted him from my blogroll.

There's also this new guy hosting, Arjewtino. I don't know how he made the A List so fast. I've been blowing all the male bloggers for almost a year- I guess he's been doing the same. Anyway, it'll be fun to get to know him!

Busted

I almost got caught "blogging" at work again. Well, not so much blogging as reading other people's blogs and obsessively checking for comments. I don't actually do anything at work so I usually "blog" all day long. I'm sure you know how it is.

Finding something to write about is hard. This is supposed to be a dating blog, but I never have any dates. So basically it's a gossip blog, about my life and especially the other bloggers I socialize with. Holla!

Mostly I write about stuff I saw on Sex and the City. Even though I'm not having sex and the show is off the air, it's still so totally relevant to my life.

Aim High

I used to think blogging was hard, but now I can't stop writing about Pagan. Pagan blurs the line between reality and make believe. Even though she isn't real, I want to analyze her every thought, her every post, her every comment.

I need a job. Well, I have a job, but it's totally beneath me. My current job does give me plenty to blog about- without it, I couldn't repeat delightful stories about my coworker's grandchildren and tales of woe and my "overbearing" boss. It's ironic, isn't it? I would have more time to blog but fewer fascinating anecdotes to share.

I do need a new job. Maybe I could get a job as a "professional blogger". I'm practically a full time blogger now. I write three blogs, and it's pretty much all I do. I'm just as smart as those girls who blogged for John Edwards. I could totally do that job.

Owned!

It took one day to get them to stop posting, and three days to have them take it down. Too bad I cached it!

Thongspeeds, the lame parody blog of the excellent blog, Thong Speed, will be back up for your mockery as soon as I can get to it.

In the meantime, please go to the Best DC Blog Poll Site and vote for Thong Speed.

UPDATE: It's back up here. I had to- otherwise this blog doesn't make sense!

Pagan Will You Please Be Mine?

Pagan still hasn't noticed me, not even on Valentine's Day.

I'll definitely keep updating this blog, so check back for new content.

I'll be putting a new post up tonight. In the meantime, enjoy the archives, blogroll me, or leave a comment. They aren't moderated.

Writer's Block

I love being a blogger. As soon as I think of something to say, I'm really going to dish the snark. Though it could take a while for me to think of something.

I'm staying in tonight. It's time to give myself a breast exam.

I wonder what Pagan's boobs look like...

Revelations

Make a note that I'm now using my "really real nick name" on this blog. The way I understand it, this is one step away from your actual real name, which everyone knows is sacred in the blogosphere.

"Really real nick names" are in, and "really fake nick names", like Pagan M., are out. Transparency, in; Anonymity, out.

It's all about the risk. Pen names are for pussies.

I've been neglecting my parody blog lately, but I check Thong Speed every few hours.

I wonder if Pagan knows which IP is mine...

Meanwhile, back at BigHeadQuarters...

There's an interesting comment chain percolating over at BHDC. Someone professing to be KassyK asserts that she had nothing to with my other parody blog Thongspeeds. It's funny that everyone thinks I'm her. This way, everyone dumps on her and leaves me alone.

Another victory? Mission Accomplished!

Boy, are my panties in a bunch. People are coming by this site who actually like the writing, so I had to post another incoherent rant on my other site. I'm not used to this much positive attention. I'm more comfortably being mediocre. My other parody blog is practically unreadable.

Thong Speed, on the other hand, is outstanding. It's also dirty. I secretly read it then deny it to my friends.

Pagan makes me so mad I've decided to stop blogging about her.

“Another victory!” I proclaim. I’m shutting down my blog because of a parody blog, but I’m still winning! Mission accomplished- just like the President said!

My brain is a little fuzzy from all the e pills I ate last night, so I’m really confused. Is Pagan Rob? Or is she just a girl like me?

And what's the deal with Adam? It took me hours on Google to find that conversation. Does Adam like Pagan? Does he like her like her? Why doesn’t the Senator ever pay attention to meeeee? Probably because Pagan puts out. Girls like that are dirty. I want to be dirty sometimes...

I'm also mad at how much time this is taking up. I spent my entire workdays Thursday and Friday putting up my other blog. A real writer would have relished the mental exercise and knocked it out in a couple of spare hours.

I’ve urged everyone to de-link Pagan, but I know we’ll still read her, just like we still read BHDC. It’s just too good! I especially like the blogger snafus, because I might know someone who gets mentioned. I like to know important people. I also like to act smart- that's why I pretend I read the Washington Post.

I looked up Wally Lamb on Google and nothing came up about Gwen Stefani or Australia. I think my coworker is trying to fuck with my head.

It’s okay if you don’t understand the part about IP addresses and anonymous bloggers. I don’t understand it either- I’m just repeating what other people tell me. I really don’t know what to think, so I pour my angst into overly lengthy streams of consciousness.

But this is the last time. Seriously.

Welcome, BHDC Readers

Thanks for stopping by. I assure you I am not Rob, but I don't know how to prove a negative. If you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments.

A few things. First, you might want to read Thongspeeds, the parody blog of Thong Speed. You might want to start at the bottom and read chronologically. The posts here correlate to the posts on Thongspeeds.

Don't forget to check out the original Thong Speed.

Juicy Bits

Goodness, I've barely had any time to blog today. My manager has been lurking around our cube farm so I had to act like I was working. I just threw up something from Thong Speed word for word, the list of "juicy tidbits" supposedly about Pagan. This list totally proves that Rob writes Thong Speed. It's obviously made up, and only someone super smart could have come up with all those things.

I even took the time to annotate it with smilies. Smilies are very useful for making your point. Words are hard, and I only like to type with one hand. My other hand gets a little restless when I think about Pagan...

I send smilies to all my blogger friends in their comments every morning. Otherwise they might forget about me, and I'd be left out of the reindeer games.

I threw in another fake nasty comment for good measure. No one really gave Pagan any personal information. But you believe it now, don't you?

So to speak...

I am so jealous of KassyK. I (apparently) have emailed back and forth with Pagan, too, but she never shows me the love like she does Kassy. On my parody blog I strongly imply that Pagan sold out KassyK to BHR, but it really isn't true. Kassy never told Pagan her last name, and Pagan thinks the world of Kassy, in a virtual way of course. She would never do that. I'm just stirring up trouble. That way they will never get together and go off to have fun without me.

I love being a part of the whole blogger scene. It's such a loyal and laid-back bunch. There's never any drama and everyone gets along really well. And who else but this wacky crew would dare do shots of liquor on a week night? Hanging with them makes me feel so grown up, so classy and dignified. I don't know what I'd do for a social life without them.

Soon it will be my turn to fuck Virgil Kent. Or is it Virgle Kent? He has such a funny way of spelling things. Anyway, I can't wait until he gets around to me.

In the meantime, I've got to stop following DCB around- he's been ignoring me since our hookup. Hey Roosh! Call me!

In between Bloggy Happy Happies, I have very little to do. I've been sitting home in my group house hoping the new roommate will throw me one between bong hits, but so far no luck. That leaves me plenty of time to write parody blogs about people I don't even know. Blogs are my anti-drug.

I have no plans this weekend, so maybe I will check out Entre Nous. Whatever will I wear to the Valentine's Ball? I bet Pagan looks great in Valentine Red.

I wonder what she's wearing right now...

Anyone notice?

I'm back on my happy pills and ready to start the day with some hot scoop! Rob and Pagan were both offline after the election last year, during peak holiday and winter vacation season. So were thousands of other Washingtonians, but I still choose to believe it means they are the same person.

Although I would never admit it to my blogger friends, I'm pretty sure BHR is smarter than we are. Thong Speed is so well-written, it just makes sense that Rob is the author. I mentioned this to my coworker and he said it was very Wally Lamb. I think that's Gwen Stefani's new Australian line. Hmm, I didn't realize my coworker was gay.

I'm a lot like, under medicated

Seems I forgot my insulin today, too. Boy, I really need to get to the pharmacy. My blood sugar spiked from eating too many pink coconut ho-hos from the vending machine, and now I'm hallucinating little blue men. Little blue men and little blue women. Together. I wonder if Smurfs have genitals.

Teeny tiny genitals. I know a lot of bloggers like that.

In 52 minutes I can leave work and meet all the other bloggers at Sign of the Whale. Everyone on my blogroll will be there. We're all going to talk about Pagan and how she sold us out, even though there was nothing to sell. Everyone will jump on board and turn against her. It'll be really very.

We might go to the Madhatters or Rumours after that, but I'll probably go home early. As much as I love the "herpes triangle," I get very uncomfortable with the strip clubs down the street. Stripping is wrong and demeaning to women. It's also dirty. I wonder if Pagan is a stripper. She's dirty like that...

I Like to Wear Diapers

This astronaut woman is my soulmate. She's a stalker who wears diapers. If I knew where Pagan was, you bet I'd be there. I'm already wearing diapers. You know, just in case.

Shout out to H.H.S.

I really wanted to get another post up before lunch and this was all I could come up with. It's actually a pretty lousy riddle, since the answer has already been revealed on other blogs, but I wanted to post it too. I like to fit in. No one told me it's abbreviated H.H.S., not D.H.H.S, but you know I'm not much for details. Who cares about accuracy?

I wonder if Rob's wife knows President Bush.

A little bit about me, I mean Pagan

I must have forgotten to take my Lithium this morning because my next post doesn't makes sense, even to me. I described this to my co-worker, who said it was like "Flowers for Algernon". What? Someone sent flowers? Are they for me?

I babble in my post about secrets and riddles. Something about Pagan keeping or spilling secrets. Secrets and Riddles. Who am I? Why am I here? Am I talking about Pagan or myself? Sometimes I think we're the same person. I wish I could be Pagan for just one day...

I'll just throw some random shit out there. Even though I already described a happy beach-bound foursome, now I'll say Pagan and Rob are married to each other. Or that they're the same person. Let's see what sticks. The masses are clamoring for red meat- I have to give them something or they'll stop coming to my site and then my stats will suffer.

Anyway, I'm really mad at Pagan for not coming to any of our cool Happy Hours. What, does she think she's better than me?

I wonder what she's doing right now...

Hey, Rob! Big Head Rob! Over here! Rob! Over here! Rob?

My stars, I was linked by Big Head Rob. I secretly think Rob's great. I must think his site is cool, because I gave him a big shout out on Thongspeeds. I bet Rob's site brings me a lot of hits. Then I can post my stats and show everyone how good I am at "parody".

What can I say about Pagan today? I only shoot at the easiest targets- I never was very ambitious- so maybe I'll make fun of her love for Dewey Beach. Notice that I talk about Rob's wife and Pagan's husband here. This is important later.

And, what else? Masturbation. The topic has never actually come up on Pagan's site, but I'm sure she's the type of girl who does it. She's a dirty girl. My kind of dirty girl. I'll be thinking about her when I masturbate tonight. In my fantasies, she always wears red, and she comes first.

Thongspeedz

Hi. I call myself realthongspeed, RTS for short. I'm super bitter and lonely, and I vent my frustrations by writing a parody blog poking fun at someone who doesn't even exist, "Pagan M. of Thong Speed", and, presumably, the author behind her.

It's not that I'm insulting her. I secretly think she's glamorous and exciting. That's why I'm paying her so much attention. We all read Thong Speed.

Sex. Politics. Sexual Politics. That's pretty catchy. I like to repeat it over and over.

I have to call her out, though. See, there's this "blog war" going on, and I want to make sure I'm on the right side. I'd hate to be shunned by the DC Blogosphere's Inner Circle. Comments from those guys are even more important than my Technorati rank.

Some anonymous poster has accused "Pagan" of leaking classified information to our collective sworn enemy. It is a bit weird because "Pagan" isn't even close to the "Inner Circle", and wouldn't be on their email list. And I'm choosing to ignore the commenter who suggested that Pagan was behind my fraternal parody blog, Big Fat Slob, because I know who writes that one.

Despite all evidence that she's been railroaded, I've decided to harsh on Pagan anyway, just to make sure no one thinks I'm squishy.

I have plenty of free time- my job isn't very important- so I can post several times a day. I don't worry about grammar or spelling or punctuation. It's more important to post the stuff I make up in a timely fashion.

When I post to my blog I usually crib stuff from Thong Speed. I spend a lot of time reading Thong Speed, laughing and looking for passages to repost. Some of her posts are over my head, but I like the ones where she talks about sex. Pagan has a lot of sex. I wonder if she's had sex with anyone famous...

I wish my other blog were more interesting, but there isn't really a story to tell. "Pagan" didn't really do anything wrong.

Plus, the blog war is so last week. No one is commenting on the parody blogs any more. I'm getting tired of making up new accusations. I'm having a hard time attracting readers, and my sitemeter is plummeting.

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